I had lunch with a friend the other day, and he must've taken fifteen pills with his meal. And even though he's younger than me and totally healthy seeing him swallow all those pills didn't seem that unusual. Because there are now pills for practically everything.

There are pills to help you concentrate, pills to help you de-concentrate,
pills to help you wake up in the morning, go to sleep at night, anti-addiction pills (which is odd because by taking them regularly you're actually just addicted to something else), and even pills that mimic the effects of physical exercise.

Well there are a few other pills I hope the FDA will approve soon.

I'd love a pill that makes fat-free yogurt taste like fat-filled ice cream.

Also let's have a pill that makes you not hear the neighbor's dog barking for three straight hours at NOTHING.

And how about a pill that makes time go by faster when you're with that boring couple who won't stop showing you pictures of their kid on their iPhone.

I'd really crave a pill that makes you ask the right questions when your mechanic uses the words "head" and "gasket" in the same sentence,

A pill that enables you to do ventriloquism, and a pill that allows you to paint a room without having to put masking tape over the baseboards.

And once I get prescriptions for all these pills that I want, what I'm really gonna need is a pill to that gets rid of my fear of swallowing pills.