The most precious commodity today is energy. Not oil, or coal or wind turbines—bottled energy. Which is why Americans spend almost a billion dollars a year on energy drinks. And now these beverages are getting so specialized that each container tells you exactly how long you'll have that bonus burst.

There's 5 Hour Energy, 6 Hour Power, 8 Hour Mr. Energy. What do people do with all that energy doled out in such specific time increments?

Lots of texting where you brag to your friends about how much energy you have? And what if 5 hours of energy is too much? Is there a 4 Hour and 15 Minute Energy Drink coming out?

Because let's say you have yoga at 5:30, then dinner, but by 9:40 you'd really like to chill out on the couch and watch the rest of Two and a half Men?

I think there should be Anti-Energy Drinks to counteract the Energy Drinks. So then you could quaff down a Ten Hour Energy Drink before you leave your house in the morning but

Then if your boss cancels the big afternoon meeting you'd have to glug down half of a Three Hour Non-Energy Drink—unless it's Daylight Savings Time in which case you'd actually need an extra hour of energy.

But then if this girl who's ignored you for the past two years asks you out for a cocktail, you'd need to down an additional 4 Hour Energy concoction.

But of course you have to go back to your place and change first so you'd need a 20 Minute Energy Drink just for the ride home—unless it's rush hour. Then you better hope there's a 35 Minute Energy Drink lying around.

Ooh, I'm exhausted. I guess my One Minute and Twenty-Nine Second Energy Drink is wearing off.